My Super Hero Dogs - Shame the Indestructible and Nugget the Canine Tank

Let me preface this story with a little history of my dogs.



Shame (aka, Doodie, Most Evil, Lily and Munkee) is a 6lbs Yorkshire Terrier. She can be both the sweetest and most hurtful dog at the same time. When she was about 6 months old, she was so excited to see my boyfriend Mike that she forewent the stairs and decided to jump off the 2nd story balcony. Onto concrete. She yelped while my boyfriend took some anxiety pills - he saw her jump - while I calmly felt her bones for breaks and belly for soreness. Nothing. A 6lbs dog jumps off a 15 foot high balcony onto concrete and has nothing wrong with her.



Nugget (aka Little Man, White Nightmare - pic above is him as a puppy) is a 10lb West Highland Terrier. He is much stockier than my Shame and much more reckless. Bumps into doors, falls up the stairs, you know, normal things. He hasn't had any life threatening events, until today.

My dogs figured out that if you stand on the arm rest in the back seat of the car, the window will roll down. Most dogs view this as a opportunity to feel the fresh mountain air blowing through their hair. Apparently that was what my dogs did as well, until this morning.

8am driving down a busy street in Littleton at 40mph. I was in a Honda Passport, a relatively large car and my doggies were in the back seat. Please note that Nugget consistently pukes in the back of my car and neither of them really like riding in cars. For them, it is the destination, not the journey.

The dogs had rolled down the windows and I checked on them through the sideview mirror. Anyone who says that dogs don't smile is an idiot. Shame and Nugget were hanging out the window with smiles ear to ear. Then I heard a yelp, looked back, and saw that Shame was no longer in the car. I looked in my rear view mirror, and saw my little baby running across the busy road.

Never did the thought "Julie, be cautious and slowly pull over, for if you make a rash decision you could get into a car accident" enter my mind. I slammed on my brakes and swerved over to the right hand side of the road. I jumped out of the car and ran over to her - instead of running towards me she just sat down and waited for me to get there. Luckily, a car had stopped behind her so no one would hit her. PHEW!

I ran her back to the car and made a mental note of feeling something under Shame's tail. Once Shame is safe, I discover that Nugget is no where to be found. I looked around and saw a car with hazards on, and I immediately panic. Was Nuggie hit? Was Nuggie injured? I run towards the car and once I got close enough, I see my little monster sitting on the front seat of this guy's car just hangin' out. I tell the guy thank you and run my tank back to the car.

I did a pat down to check for painful spots on the dogs and checked for blue belly (internal bleeding makes the belly turn blue) and they were all set. I remember the thing I felt on Shame's butt and started freaking that she could have pulled a pink sock on me (aka, her rectum was now outside her body). I looked down, and saw a little bit of pink. 'Oh F!'

Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was one of my hot pink ear plugs that she had swallowed whole. Yes my friends, not only did my little Shame evade cars and death, but she also managed to pass an entire, whole ear plug.

None of this amazes me in the least. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I don't think God is punishing me with these events happening to me. If he were, the events would end worse than what they do. I think he just finds me funny and likes to 'spice it up' by watching these things happen to me. At times I think it is unbelievable and I thought a lot about how lucky I was, but its always nice to think that someone is watching out for me, even if he/she is laughing, of course.

J

I may or may not have Rabies/Shingles

I was really worried by Saturday night that I wouldn't have any material for my blog on Monday. Nothing exciting happened either weekend night, and I knew we would be spending Sunday at WaterWorld, the nation's largest water park. Lest I be disappointed.

My friend Jess is going to be a great mother. She really goes out of her way to make everyone feel happy and full when we go on adventures to amusement parks. On Sunday, she had packed everything one could have hoped for and made a lovely picnic. Bread, assorted deli meats, cheeses, even an avocado and sprouts! I mean, stellar.

We all sit down after the first three hours of being at a family waterpark to fill up on enough food to keep our energy going for the rest of the day, being careful however to make sure we don't eat so much that we get a cramp. In anticipation of the delicious sandwich, I am the first to crack open the bread. I notice there is a hole in the bag with a chunk missing from a couple pieces of bread. I figure that one of the other food products ripped the bag and damaged the bread, so I took the unwhole pieces of bread and moved on.

As I was about to devour my last bite of the delicious sandwich that I had been looking forward to, a woman comes up to us and asks :

Lady: "Hey is your food ok?"
Us: "Uh, yeah. Why?"
Lady: (giggle) "Oh there was just the darnedest squirrel in your bag! My son chased him away for you."

She continued to stand there as if her white knight of a son deserved a thank you. Sadly, everyone was looking through their food for poop/errant hairs/nibbles and too busy to care about thanking the good samaritan. Everyone, that is, except me. Of course my greed and hunger would be punished in this fashion. I explained to everyone why my face was white and why I had stopped chewing my last bite of sandwich. My boyfriend calmly explained to me that since it was a waterpark squirrel, it was probably safe because he only interacts with other waterpark squirrels and not nasty city squirrels. You know, the nasty city squirrels are the only ones that disease ridden rodents, so I shouldn't worry. WHAT. God should stop trying to mold me into a perfect person by immediately punishing me for actions that resemble the deadly sins. However, I am starting to think that I amuse him, so he does this on purpose.

Oh, but that is not all. While the guys were on the 'Screamin Mimi' the girls and Jess' boyfriend Joe went to hang out at the lazy river. This ride is perfect after a big lunch, especially when your stomach is churning at the idea of what else that squirrel ate. We were floating along, letting the current take us where it might, when I spotted him: Scabs McGee.

Now we all know that at times, waterparks don't have enough water to provide enough lubrication to get down the slide without a burn or a scrape of the spine. The lightning rod of pain that shoots throughout the body is enough to make anyone fear the steepest speed slide. Scabs McGee was a whole other story.

This guy was on his tube, back towards us, with what looked like nothing other split open shingles torn open on one of Waterworld's many attractions. Not only was his entire back red and open-sore looking, but there was BLOOD dripping down his back and into the pool. Here is a pic:



1. How could you not feel the pain of this and maybe take a look?
2. Who is this guy hanging around and why aren't their balls big enough to let him know both for the sake of his pride and the sake of public health that this is happening to him?
3. LIFEGUARDS. Do your job. Get that guy out of the water and guard my life.

Needless to say, we ran with the current as fast as you can in the water and with a tube towards the exit.

Ahhh, WaterWorld. Communicable diseases and fearless rodents. What more could you ask for?

Yes, He took it to a Whole New Level

I was taking my dogs out last night after putting away the spoils from my most recent conquer of Target for a potty break. There was a man of questionable intentions walking down the street. Allow me to describe: he was an older man with the face (and I'm sure, mouth) like a sailor; tanned, wrinkled and probably had the secrets to all the world's mysteries. He was obviously homeless and more obviously drunk, and I am guessing the coffee cup he was holding in his shaking hand was not indeed coffee. He was mumbling to himself and staggering around the street, so I politely pulled my dogs aside and let him pass.

While I was waiting for the Little White Man to tell me it was ok to cross the street, I nonchalantly looked back to see how far his 'sea legs' got him down the sidewalk. There he was, hugging and kissing a tree. I live on kind of a busy road, but this did not seem to phase him. He just kept hugging and kissing this innocent tree that was just minding it's own business. I think I even saw a little tongue.

Being the person that I am, I laughed and sent out a massive text: "I just saw a hobo hugging and kissing a tree - thinking of you." The world invariably keeps spinning, so I moseyed on waiting on baited breath for one of my little canine's to poo. I wrote the old man off as just another weird story to post on my blog. Until...

I was walking my dogs this morning, and decided to walk by the tree that the old man had accosted the night before. I don't really know what I was looking for; lipstick, drool, his empty 'coffee' cup, but something was drawing me back to that spot. And to my shock and horror, this is what I found:



Now, for anyone who has been in or around the undercarriage of a woman, you would notice that this tree has some incredible similarities to some female anatomy. Once I realized the reason this old man was spending so much time showing his affection for this particular piece of foliage, my immediate reaction was to laugh hysterically at the entire situation. I mean, imagine the timing that I have been blessed with by the Gods, and adding to that the curiosity to go back to that tree and investigate it after its prior molestation. AND, not to mention the fact that this random old drunk perv was hugging and making out with a tree that looked like the beautiful anatomy of a woman.

I continue to be amazed, and am proud to share my adventures with you.

I hope I see that guy again.

Cheers

F U Pigeon Feeder

Let me preface this posting with the understanding that my anger is not directed towards the rats with wings described in this article. The pigeons mentioned in this article are just fuel for the fire of my ranting.

I am a female living alone in a first floor apartment in Denver. Granted, Denver is not exactly Gotham City, but living on the first floor in any city leaves you susceptible to strange happenings and encounters with odd strangers. And to make things even shinier, my bedroom and bathroom window look out onto an alleyway! I know the charm of it all is quite overwhelming, but it is cheap and I can walk to work - sue me.

While leaving my apartment complex to take my dogs out for a final walk before leaving for work, I noticed a suspicious character walking around the dumpster carrying a bag of generic Wonderbread (yes it does exist). Normally, something like this would not phase me, because as I mentioned before, living in a city allows you to encounter all kinds of unstable individuals. However, on this day, I did a double-take. Perhaps it was her blonde/grey hair, her stained beater or faded sweatshorts. Perhaps it was her different colored tube socks, or the fact that her face reminded me of the old man on the cover of "The Giver" (see link for details http://ariabooksellers.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/9780385732550_giver.jpg). Or maybe, it could have even been my sheer shock at the possibility of there being a generic Wonderbread.

Upon turning around, to my horror I discovered this 'woman' dumping the bread out in the middle of the alley. Then she tweeted a little. I thought, "Well this is a bit peculiar." But my curiosity soon turned to blind rage when my mind extrapolated what this weirdo was doing. Infuriated, I yelled at her.

Me: "That is really gross. Can't you go to the park and sit on a park bench and do that?"
Vagabond: "But it is for the birds! They are hungry too you know!"

Millions of things ran through my mind at this point. I soon realized that the only type of bird that would eat this 'bread' was a pigeon - God's worst creation. Pigeons being pigeons, I knew that any other smaller, daintier bird with a sweeter song would not have an ice cube's chance in hell at even a blink at the 'bread.' And really - do you think pigeons are hungry? I am pretty sure they are the aviary cousin of goats and catfish, and will eat anything that fits into their mouth (or beak). Not to mention that pigeons are so determined in their quest for food that many an innocent bystander has been caught off-guard by their last minute decision to fly and by the impending thought of these winged demons getting stuck in their hair. Also, who knows what was in that generic Wonderbread under the ingredients information? Perhaps steroids to make these aerial vermin more vigorous in their crusade for food - one can only hope. Finally, who is going to be there to squeegee the pigeon crap off my window and car? Certainly not you lady, because given by the recent actions I witnessed and your flair for fashion, I wouldn't trust you around anything I owned or leased.

I contemplated staying there with my two dogs and trying to scare the pigeons away, but I reminded myself of the temperament of pigeons and much like Canadian geese, they will strike without warning and aim right for the jugular. Hindsight being 20/20, I probably should have mentioned that where she was dropping her 'bread' was right outside my bedroom and bathroom window and maybe she would have come to her senses enough to realize what she was doing was inconsiderate. Or maybe she would have maced me and tweeted for the pigeons to peck me to death while I was a writhing pile of pain on the alleyway. Who knows?

Living in a city so close to other people, I feel that there are certain unspoken understandings amongst city-dwellers. For example, here are some things that are okay to do:

- running through a freshly red light
- parallel parking 12 inches off the curb
- turning left on a one-way street
- feeding birds and other wildlife at one of Denver's many lush parks

There are also things that are not okay to do whilst living within city limits

- not picking up dog poo
- side-swiping bikers
- FEEDING PIGEONS IN AN ALLEY

Seriously.

Thanks for listening.