F U Pigeon Feeder

Let me preface this posting with the understanding that my anger is not directed towards the rats with wings described in this article. The pigeons mentioned in this article are just fuel for the fire of my ranting.

I am a female living alone in a first floor apartment in Denver. Granted, Denver is not exactly Gotham City, but living on the first floor in any city leaves you susceptible to strange happenings and encounters with odd strangers. And to make things even shinier, my bedroom and bathroom window look out onto an alleyway! I know the charm of it all is quite overwhelming, but it is cheap and I can walk to work - sue me.

While leaving my apartment complex to take my dogs out for a final walk before leaving for work, I noticed a suspicious character walking around the dumpster carrying a bag of generic Wonderbread (yes it does exist). Normally, something like this would not phase me, because as I mentioned before, living in a city allows you to encounter all kinds of unstable individuals. However, on this day, I did a double-take. Perhaps it was her blonde/grey hair, her stained beater or faded sweatshorts. Perhaps it was her different colored tube socks, or the fact that her face reminded me of the old man on the cover of "The Giver" (see link for details http://ariabooksellers.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/9780385732550_giver.jpg). Or maybe, it could have even been my sheer shock at the possibility of there being a generic Wonderbread.

Upon turning around, to my horror I discovered this 'woman' dumping the bread out in the middle of the alley. Then she tweeted a little. I thought, "Well this is a bit peculiar." But my curiosity soon turned to blind rage when my mind extrapolated what this weirdo was doing. Infuriated, I yelled at her.

Me: "That is really gross. Can't you go to the park and sit on a park bench and do that?"
Vagabond: "But it is for the birds! They are hungry too you know!"

Millions of things ran through my mind at this point. I soon realized that the only type of bird that would eat this 'bread' was a pigeon - God's worst creation. Pigeons being pigeons, I knew that any other smaller, daintier bird with a sweeter song would not have an ice cube's chance in hell at even a blink at the 'bread.' And really - do you think pigeons are hungry? I am pretty sure they are the aviary cousin of goats and catfish, and will eat anything that fits into their mouth (or beak). Not to mention that pigeons are so determined in their quest for food that many an innocent bystander has been caught off-guard by their last minute decision to fly and by the impending thought of these winged demons getting stuck in their hair. Also, who knows what was in that generic Wonderbread under the ingredients information? Perhaps steroids to make these aerial vermin more vigorous in their crusade for food - one can only hope. Finally, who is going to be there to squeegee the pigeon crap off my window and car? Certainly not you lady, because given by the recent actions I witnessed and your flair for fashion, I wouldn't trust you around anything I owned or leased.

I contemplated staying there with my two dogs and trying to scare the pigeons away, but I reminded myself of the temperament of pigeons and much like Canadian geese, they will strike without warning and aim right for the jugular. Hindsight being 20/20, I probably should have mentioned that where she was dropping her 'bread' was right outside my bedroom and bathroom window and maybe she would have come to her senses enough to realize what she was doing was inconsiderate. Or maybe she would have maced me and tweeted for the pigeons to peck me to death while I was a writhing pile of pain on the alleyway. Who knows?

Living in a city so close to other people, I feel that there are certain unspoken understandings amongst city-dwellers. For example, here are some things that are okay to do:

- running through a freshly red light
- parallel parking 12 inches off the curb
- turning left on a one-way street
- feeding birds and other wildlife at one of Denver's many lush parks

There are also things that are not okay to do whilst living within city limits

- not picking up dog poo
- side-swiping bikers
- FEEDING PIGEONS IN AN ALLEY

Seriously.

Thanks for listening.