To Stretch or not to Stretch

My friend Jess is probably the most self-less girlfriend I have ever had. She could tell I was starting to wear a bit thin, so she decided to use some of her spa gift certificates and treat me to my first massage ever. To try to show my appreciation back her, I took her to a kitschy neighborhood sushi bar. We are girlfriends, we love and spoil each other to the point of making our real boyfriends jealous.

We were getting to the closing of our meal, when I heard something metal drop on the floor. I thought it might have been a piece of my ring or an earring, so without thinking I picked it up off the ground. Only then did I realize what it was.

A look of horror spread across my face as I dropped this little treasure onto the table. My friend Jess exclaimed, "Oh my God, do you know what that is?!?" I obviously did because I literally ejected it from my grasp. I replied to her nonsensical, rhetorical question, yelling "Uh yes, it is someone's EAR GAUGE!" We laughed only to prevent the delicious meal we just had from being projected out of our bodies, but it was horrifying.

For those of you that are not familiar with what an ear gauge is, please see picture below.


An ear gauge is something that is meant to slowly give you a large hole in your ear lobe. You are just stretching our your ear lobe until you realize what you're doing is a ridiculous fad and really only an accepted physical deformation in some third world cultures. The picture above is a practical use for the excessively large hole in the lobe, but is in no way close to the size of the gauge I picked up.

After I had let the whole restaurant know what I had unwittingly just picked up, the girl sitting catty-corner from us felt her ear lobes, turned quite red and said "Oh my gosh, that is mine." That is all. No, "Hey sorry you had to pick up my nasty ear elongating device during dinner at a nice restaurant" or "Sorry I couldn't pick up a larger gauge this weekend - my dogs jumped out the car window and were seriously injured." Nothing.

The best part?

You know how some sushi restaurants gives you warm little towels to wash up with before you eat? Well, normally I always use mine at the beginning of the meal, but for whatever reason, Saturday I did not use it meal-prior. Thus, I got to use my nice, clean, warm hand towel AFTER I picked up Yucky McYuckerson's ear goop laden gauge. This I consider as more proof that God likes watching funny things happen to me without giving any repercussion.

Keep on keeping on big G,

J